Amor Fati, pt. 3
(i giggled as i recorded this one — if you want to listen, you can find it here on Substack.)
This bite is a crack-up; I’m giggling as I write it.
While writing pt. 1 of this micro-trilogy (it was originally just the first bite) I got the ideas for pt. 2 and 3. And I oh-so-arrogantly dove into writing pt. 2, even though a little scratch at the back of my head was nudging me to make a note of pt. 3 so I wouldn’t forget. And I told that part, “It’s so obvious, how could I possibly forget?”
Fast forward three minutes – I finish pt. 2, and pt. 3 is gone. Vanished. You know that misplaced-your-keys feeling? It was strong. My youngest had asked me to play a game, and I had asked for the few minutes to finish pt. 2 and wanted to honor that commitment. *And* this part was viscerally fucking with me!
Right off the bat I told the kids if I remembered I was going to pop up to my computer to make a note (not write the whole thing). I laughed at myself and my arrogance that I was so sure I’d remember, my kids laughed with (at?) me. It was surely an endeavor in loving everything! I felt so frustrated *even* as I was quite enjoying the game with my kids. I knew I needed to release it, but my kids graciously invited me to share parts 1 and 2 in the event it might spark me.
No luck. And I loved it. Oh, talk about being caressed by the Cosmic Joke – sometimes it feels like a boa constrictor and I get to thank it for the hug… and after a brief recap with my kids, I released and surrendered. I knew it would come back to me if it was right. And here I am, the next morning, reviewing a different post with fresh eyes, and I see, “Challenge accepted.” And that’s it!
When I was about 22 I read a book (I don’t recall the title now) that said perfecting the Buddha smile would be the hardest thing you could ever do in your life. The author described the smile as accepting with complete love everything that happens. The little smile is an acknowledgement of deep suffering as much as it is of joy, and meeting all of it with compassion and recognition of beauty.
My immediate response was, “Challenge accepted.” Fuck yeah, I was going to smile – not as bypassing, not despite pain, but through it and because of it. The smile on the face is only a pale reflection of the smile in the heart. My challenge became smiling in my heart such that it could reach my face. And I can sit here and arrogantly declare I smiled right through forgetting pt. 3.
What do you think about smiling as a practice?
